Heavy heart
I guess I've been accumulating too much thoughts and feelings all these years all by myself that I started to lose the ability to communicate and speak out my true feelings. All the feelings just muddle up inside me, tangled up into countless knots. I search for words that may describe it, but at the end, backspace key is all I'm pressing. I want to tell the truth, but it's always at the last moment that I'd decided to swallow everything up again.
Because the truths are something that are risky, something that leaves you feeling vulnerable and exposed. Feeling no longer in control of the secret that was once deep down inside you, because once it's out there, it's out there. I don't want things to change, don't want anyone to get hurt, or more accurately, I don't want to hurt myself, so I choose to close up myself. But as time drags on, the feelings only pile up and make me feel more depressed, more helpless, and lonelier. I want to move on, yet I'm unable to let go. What's the answer I'm searching for? What is the right thing to do? Maybe if I could just be a little more honest with myself, everything will clear up, and everything will be fine. Maybe if I could take a little risk and take the first step, I will be forgiven and we'll still be the same. Maybe if I could think less and just follow my heart, I would be happier than what I am now. But the reality is, I am weak, I am scared, I don't have the courage and confident to face the outcome, whatever the result is going to be. So I run away, hoping one day it will miraculously solve the problem itself. But we all know that's not going to happen. Sometimes I would hope to go back to that day and cover my ears so I won't hear her say her feelings out loud. Sometimes knowing more is not always better. It will make everything so much easier if I didn't know. The worst outcome could just be me getting hurt, but now I have to hurt her too? That's something I don't want to see, don't want to go through. "If it makes you so painful, why not just walk away?" "I would do that a long time ago if I could just control my feelings. The thing is, I can't..." "No, even if I can, I would choose not to. Because this feeling is perhaps the first and only that I would have in my whole life. Even if it feels heavy, even if it pains me, I will still savour this to the very end."
Because the truths are something that are risky, something that leaves you feeling vulnerable and exposed. Feeling no longer in control of the secret that was once deep down inside you, because once it's out there, it's out there. I don't want things to change, don't want anyone to get hurt, or more accurately, I don't want to hurt myself, so I choose to close up myself. But as time drags on, the feelings only pile up and make me feel more depressed, more helpless, and lonelier. I want to move on, yet I'm unable to let go. What's the answer I'm searching for? What is the right thing to do? Maybe if I could just be a little more honest with myself, everything will clear up, and everything will be fine. Maybe if I could take a little risk and take the first step, I will be forgiven and we'll still be the same. Maybe if I could think less and just follow my heart, I would be happier than what I am now. But the reality is, I am weak, I am scared, I don't have the courage and confident to face the outcome, whatever the result is going to be. So I run away, hoping one day it will miraculously solve the problem itself. But we all know that's not going to happen. Sometimes I would hope to go back to that day and cover my ears so I won't hear her say her feelings out loud. Sometimes knowing more is not always better. It will make everything so much easier if I didn't know. The worst outcome could just be me getting hurt, but now I have to hurt her too? That's something I don't want to see, don't want to go through. "If it makes you so painful, why not just walk away?" "I would do that a long time ago if I could just control my feelings. The thing is, I can't..." "No, even if I can, I would choose not to. Because this feeling is perhaps the first and only that I would have in my whole life. Even if it feels heavy, even if it pains me, I will still savour this to the very end."
Comments
Post a Comment